I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
