So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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