I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
