dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
