I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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