just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize