I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
