I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
