My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
