smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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