If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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