The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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