I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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