I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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