Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
