I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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