fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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