You just made me feel so damn special
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
