My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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