I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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