FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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