There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize