Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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