Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
