Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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