she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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