In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
