u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You are the jesus of drinking
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize