Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
