just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You've changed since you got that strap on
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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