Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just found out that she named her cat after me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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