mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
