You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
His nipple licking is glorious
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