I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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