What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
