You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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