FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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