Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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