We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
