Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
