He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
