Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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