I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Say something about gay babies.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
