i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
