The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
