I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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