I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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