For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
