What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
