oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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