Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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