My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
